Product Shill: Jens Lehmann For… His Own Book

Are sportsmen single-handedly solving the world’s literacy problems? With the amount of books on store shelves penned by footballers, one would think so.

‘Der Wahnsinn liegt auf dem Platz’ is Jens Lehmann’s attempt at an autobiography, and we have absolutely no idea what the title means or if the pages in between the front and back covers contain words, hieroglyphics or paint by number puzzles.

We snark, but we do love Lehmann’s form of crazy, even if we suspect his book, much like many ‘ballers avec penmenship are just a big ploy to get close to the leading lady of reading, Queen Rania of Jordan.

Good product shill hand positioning, though.

Product Shill: Everyone For Everything

You know it’s nearly World Cup time when players are being pushed out in front of all the world’s media bulbs for the sake of national pride and publicity. Whether it’s for marketers, charity or themselves, much has changed since the ’06 landscape. Such as the slew of savvy photographers who happen to capture moments like Craig Moore relaxing on a private yacht in the Sydney Harbour for the Socceroos Nike kit launch.

But we don’t have to tell you that.

Here’s a quick summary of other product shills goin’ on around the globe featuring a host of current and retired players:

- England footballers John Terry, and Matthew Upson, posed with a giant football at Wembley stadium in London. Surely we missed the punchline on this media photo for Britain Football Day?

- When, last time in Madrid, Raul agreed to pose with…a giant diaphragm.

-  Similiarly, at this time last Thursday, the President of Diadora and UC Sampdoria’s Antonio Cassano exchanged boots and life-size cardboard cut-outs at a product presser.

- Will you be buying the 148-page Anelka by Nicholas Anelka book when it hits store shelves on May 6? Rumour has it that it’s rather picture heavy (wedding and family photos, which is cute) and that the Chelsea man and his ghostwriter detailed much of Nico’s personal beliefs. We sure hope those beliefs involved not wearing a shirt while being photographed for your book.

- Mohamed Al Fayed presented Gary Lineker with some…Viagara at the World Class Football Auction photo call on Monday.

– That same day in Milan, Lotto Italia launched their new Zhero Gravity footy boot with help from Leonardo Bonucci, Joan Capdevila, Luca Toni and Giuseppe Rossi.

 A true jack of all trades, here’s Cristiano Ronaldo supporting Gucci (sunglasses) Nike (polo shirt) and CR7 fashions (belt buckle) during a Real Madrid-sanctioned radio interview. We’re going to go out on a limb here and encourage Crest to sign him up to front their Whitestrips, too.

Kudos, kid. You’re the only one who can be tacky, sexy and fabulous all at the same time.

 And, just today, Kun Aguero acknowledged Real Madrid’s interest in his footballing services but happily posed while horribly dressed on behalf of his current club, Atletico Madrid.

Teammate Diego Forlan also recently debuted his autobiography. Thumbs up for the cover shot/accompanying promotional materials

Bundesliga ‘Ballers: What Their Scents Say About You

Would you rather have Victoria Beckham’s high profile music/fashion career or Daniela Cannavaro’s suburbanlife? Do you exfoliate with finely coarse crystals found only in the Dead Sea or with the help of your random hook-up’s stubble? Or, do you just really enjoy high street shopping like the rest of us normal gals?

The journey to true self-knowledge can be tricky. Luckily, all of life’s questions have been answered, thanks to Hugo Boss. Serdar Tasci, Lukas Podolski and Mario Gomez are modeling the brand’s newest colognes – and judging by these shots/poses, we believe an opportunity for answers has presented itself.

Without much explanation, just choose the statement that best describes you, before reading on to get your Kickette personality quiz results:

A) You are attracted to men with big dreams and equally big bank accounts. You pronounce the major name brands incorrectly – Channel, Gucki and Louis Vootin – without respite. You have difficulty computing fractions but can correctly guesstimate how much a car home will cost early Tuesday morning, during peak commuter traffic times. In your free time, you enjoy having a chocatini with a hot guy you just met at the bar. (The same bar you were frequenting with the hopes that a ‘baller would drive by.) You never understand why the counter clerk at Boots affectionately refers to you as “Plan B” girl, but you smile and nod anyway.

B) When you travel, you never leave home without your Hello Kitty journal. You are unrelenting in the pursuit of your life goals, no matter how far out of reach/out of touch with reality they/you are. So much so that whilst growing up,your mother repeated told you how “special” you were. Regardless of your mean streak, you’re also a bit nerdy and would describe your “perfect” Saturday as spending time in the park drawing. Which is weird.

C) You can be soft-spoken in Hello, but your will to sell those damn baby pics is strong. A natural glamour-puss, your life’s motto is “pain is beauty.” Hence, the whole your-tits-don’t-move situ. Your hate losing to your fellow first-teamer’s other halves, which is why you’d be a shoe-in for Survivor: The Underbelly of the WAG World. No matter how many times the public voted you out, your acrylic claws would find you a way back to that £1 million prize. In turn, you’d spend your winnings decorating the walls of your McMansion with “Domestic Goddess At Work” signs. Which you’d chortle at each time you made your way to the private screening room via the glass-encased elevator.

If you answered (A), then you’re a HUGO Man/Serdar Tasci kind of gal: for men who want to “live their life on their terms” via two blackberries chock-full of potential booty-calls, this is the man your father kept sharp knives underneath the table for. They say variety is the spice of life, and no one in your relationship will be satisfied with just one ice cream flavour. He will never make you a fully-fledged WAG, but he will help you score your own perfume deal so you can launch your serial WAG “career.” He will call you a sexual napalm in his memoirs. You will think he said “sexual Nepal” and never understand.

Our advice? Get tested the moment you notice a funny tickle in your throat and have your solicitor draw up a confidentiality clause to prevent your inclusion in his tell-all down the road.

If you answered (B), you’re artistic type best suits Hugo Boss In Motion, White Edition/Lukas Poldolski:The epitome of a reserve player past his prime, he’s the guy who aimlessly wanders around the gym asking guys “how much ya bench”? without ever breaking a sweat himself. With his self-righteous, cocky attitude, he will never admit that the first-team captains’ calf muscles cause him to invest most of his salary in protein pills and Shake Weight private training sessions.

But beneath the wannabe-hot-tempered exterior, he has a secret, awkward passion for Sanrio characters. And when planning a romantic evening in, he accidentally covers the entire marble foyer in candle wax. Which is okay for your hopelessly devoted/hopelessly optimistic heart.

Our advice? Encourage him to retire early and take up TV punditry.

If you answered (C), your ideal smell/man is Hugo Boss Original/Mario Gomez: Your soul mate is tried and 85% true, which is a higher ratio of monogamy than most footballers can claim. Grizzled and experienced, he’s unpretentious, unemotional and stoic. He is great in the sack. We have faux-jealousy over your personality quiz answer.

Our advice? You’re currently in your prime, so milk it for all it’s worth. Sooner or later, you’ll wake up looking like Nancy Dell’Olio.